Render Powerless, Useless, Hopeless and Helpless

13th July 2006
Thursday morning. I cancelled my class because I had an appointment with Loh Guan Lye Hospital regarding Mobile Money. That appointment was at 10 a.m. The moment I woke up, my instinct led me to the hospital to see Shazmil. My heart was not at peace therefore, I quickly got ready and rushed over to Ward C19 - Oncology.

I reached at 8.55a.m. and was almost unable to enter as it was not visiting hour. With compassionate hearts, the guards let me in. I waited at the waiting lounge as the nurses were cleaning him up. At 9.20a.m. I got to be by his bedside. I held back my tears as I could. For the first time in his life, both his hands held mine tightly... screaming in pain.... asking me to ease his pain.... I could only cry and asked him to be patient and hang on in there. I tried to make him as comfortable as he could... shifting his pillows whenever he wanted... hugging him and comforting him. I could only cry as I couldn't even help him a single bit. I felt so useless at that time. A 15 year old in my arms yet I couldn't do anything except to pray and cry out to God. I was hoping for a miracle. I called his mom when things didn't look good. His mom didn't leave him but she went back to fetch the youngest sister to kindergarten.

I thanked God for my instinct to be in the hospital at that moment. If I didn't call, the mom would have come in the afternoon. I was late for my appointment for more than an hour... but if I knew that was the last time he will be holding my hands, the last time I get to talk to him, I wouldn't want to go for any appointments at all. I promised him that I would come back during lunch time to make his milk. He couldn't swallow solid food anymore.

I was late. I reached around 1.40p.m. The moment I stepped into Ward C19, my heart almost stopped. His bed was surrounded by oncologists and nurses. His parents and aunt were there. His lungs had collapsed. There wasn't even left a single cell to let him breathe on his own. The cancer cells were too aggresive as he was at the growing period. Chemo treatment destroyed all the good cells left. So he's left without any cells to function on his own. Even with difficulties, he requested for his dad. His dad never showed up.

He was transferred to ICU in the evening. I met Janet Lee when I went over to the ICU. His dad came around 7p.m. Wasn't that already too late? He was highly sedated to reduce his pain.

I would like to thank the doctors and nurses of Genereal Hospital. They were a million times better than the staffs in Lam Wah Ee Hospital. Even when they knew there was only a slight percentage that he would survive, the doctors continued to rally for him. But Lam Wah Ee actually pushed him out of the hospital to keep its name clean!

Eventhough he was highly sedated I knew he could hear us. Its even more torturing to know that his body couldn't move an inch but his spirit was trapped in that deteriorating body.

17th July 2006
Blood started to ooze out of his mouth and nose. His kidneys and liver failed due to extreme amount of drugs given to him. The main artery in his right hand was blocked by the cancer cells. He had gangrene on his right hand. The whole body was bloated up because the blood circulation was very bad. At that moment, I was ever willing to let him go and go with God... It was so suffering to see him in that state. Again, I could only cry and asked for God's mercy to be upon him. I wanted to hug him and tell him it's okay to go and not to be scared. All actions are restricted in the ICU. And visitors were given less than 10 minutes to be there.

18th July 2006
He past away at 10a.m. after his mom hugged him. He responded with some movement. His heart stopped by itself. I'm glad its over for him. He wouldn't have to suffer anymore. I couldn't really take his death. It was too soon. He was only 15. He wanted me to take him out with all the other friends for an outing after PMR. I already agreed with him but now I couldn't even carry out that promise. I wished I had scolded him less when he complaint of having stomach pain.