My Life, My Choice...

"Often we have to go through the worst of our lives to achieve the best of many" - E.L. (Erratic Laconic) aka my Donkey. Love you Donk for such wise saying but I prefer this...

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. [Matthew 8:28]

The Kuching trip was a nightmare. It was an experience that nobody will want to go through. I went through it together with people whom I know will be my friends for life. The incident was like a big sieve that sifted away everything that is of no use. Whatever that's left in the sieve, they're the important ones in my life. They matter to me. It's like going through a series of earthquakes and the aftershocks brought me to decide on matters of my life. A lot of things have happened and I finally took the courage to make a decision that will change my life forever. To me, its like taking a huge leap and you only have the sky as your background and the landing is so far from your feet. My relationship status from single will be changed to married come next week. Marriage has been something I put behind and I will not dwell in such heavy subject. After the incident that happened in Kuching, I have seen with my own eyes how evil a man can be. Marriage is not all about love or money. It's more than that. I can have a filthy rich man as my husband but worry about how insecure I will be. I can have a man my age but worry about what will he do when I age gracefully while he becomes the charming and suave middle age man. The most important thing is he's worshipping the same God as I am. And he loves Jesus more than he loves me.

Since young, I have always wanted a man who does not smoke, who does not drink even a seep of alcoholic beverage, who doesn't gamble and who loves me more than I love him. He met all the criteria. He has always been by my side no matter how terrible I am. I am a very difficult person to be with. It's the warmth and the patience he has for me. Age is just a number. I break the social stigma and I will break all Chinese tradition this time. I'm very clear of what I want. I do not want to hold any tea ceremony, neither do I want any wedding dinner reception or anything. I want it to be quiet. It's about two people. It's my choice. If he can respect my choice, what more others. I have said earlier I do not live according to tradition and I just do not want to follow any Chinese tradition.

I want stability, peace and happiness. God knows how long I have think about this and I have think it through. It took me more than 5 years to decide. Please respect my wishes. As long as I have the peace of mind that I will not die in my sleep because the man beside me has murdered me, I'm happy with my choice.

Another thing that is important is I can be who I am and I don't have to pretend. I don't have to pretend that I'm a nice person when I'm not. I don't have to pretend that I like something when I don't at all. I am free to be myself. What more can you want from a life partner? I've tried to adapt to other people's life but I just can't survive. I have met so many people but I have to pretend I'm somebody whom I'm not. I want to be myself. I enjoy being myself. I've prayed through and through and through, I'm at peace with my own decision.

Lastly, just don't force me to go through any wedding ceremonies. I will not bow down to any traditional laws. I just want photos and more photos.... that's all I want. Nothing more, nothing less.