Wednesday, July 26, 2006

A Message To All...

I would like to say to all of you people who are either studying or working....
Try your best and leave everything to God.
For those taking exams, to grab for straight A's must not be the main priority in life.
To those who are working, to climb up the steps in gaining the highest post and earning the biggest salary and bonus, should not be the main priority in life too.

Life revolves around humans. Take one step at a time. Don't plan for your future. You will never know when you'll drop dead without writing a will. When you come to the bridge only cross. Live everyday as if its the last.

I'm going to tell all my students, take your exams without any pressure. I don't care anymore whether you score any A's or not. It's not important anymore. As long as you come back alive, I'll be happy to see you.

I think that should be the way. The best gift on earth is life itself. The ability to breathe in air whether it's fresh air or polluted air. The ability to share your experiences with other people. I can gladly tell myself now that I do not regret not having enter colleges or universities. It doesn't matter at all. I'm still alive and I can make a living. I'm proud of myself.

I will praise God for whatever that He has planned for me. Experience can never be bought with a price. Eventhough education is important, it doesn't have to come in printed materials.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Render Powerless, Useless, Hopeless and Helpless

13th July 2006
Thursday morning. I cancelled my class because I had an appointment with Loh Guan Lye Hospital regarding Mobile Money. That appointment was at 10 a.m. The moment I woke up, my instinct led me to the hospital to see Shazmil. My heart was not at peace therefore, I quickly got ready and rushed over to Ward C19 - Oncology.

I reached at 8.55a.m. and was almost unable to enter as it was not visiting hour. With compassionate hearts, the guards let me in. I waited at the waiting lounge as the nurses were cleaning him up. At 9.20a.m. I got to be by his bedside. I held back my tears as I could. For the first time in his life, both his hands held mine tightly... screaming in pain.... asking me to ease his pain.... I could only cry and asked him to be patient and hang on in there. I tried to make him as comfortable as he could... shifting his pillows whenever he wanted... hugging him and comforting him. I could only cry as I couldn't even help him a single bit. I felt so useless at that time. A 15 year old in my arms yet I couldn't do anything except to pray and cry out to God. I was hoping for a miracle. I called his mom when things didn't look good. His mom didn't leave him but she went back to fetch the youngest sister to kindergarten.

I thanked God for my instinct to be in the hospital at that moment. If I didn't call, the mom would have come in the afternoon. I was late for my appointment for more than an hour... but if I knew that was the last time he will be holding my hands, the last time I get to talk to him, I wouldn't want to go for any appointments at all. I promised him that I would come back during lunch time to make his milk. He couldn't swallow solid food anymore.

I was late. I reached around 1.40p.m. The moment I stepped into Ward C19, my heart almost stopped. His bed was surrounded by oncologists and nurses. His parents and aunt were there. His lungs had collapsed. There wasn't even left a single cell to let him breathe on his own. The cancer cells were too aggresive as he was at the growing period. Chemo treatment destroyed all the good cells left. So he's left without any cells to function on his own. Even with difficulties, he requested for his dad. His dad never showed up.

He was transferred to ICU in the evening. I met Janet Lee when I went over to the ICU. His dad came around 7p.m. Wasn't that already too late? He was highly sedated to reduce his pain.

I would like to thank the doctors and nurses of Genereal Hospital. They were a million times better than the staffs in Lam Wah Ee Hospital. Even when they knew there was only a slight percentage that he would survive, the doctors continued to rally for him. But Lam Wah Ee actually pushed him out of the hospital to keep its name clean!

Eventhough he was highly sedated I knew he could hear us. Its even more torturing to know that his body couldn't move an inch but his spirit was trapped in that deteriorating body.

17th July 2006
Blood started to ooze out of his mouth and nose. His kidneys and liver failed due to extreme amount of drugs given to him. The main artery in his right hand was blocked by the cancer cells. He had gangrene on his right hand. The whole body was bloated up because the blood circulation was very bad. At that moment, I was ever willing to let him go and go with God... It was so suffering to see him in that state. Again, I could only cry and asked for God's mercy to be upon him. I wanted to hug him and tell him it's okay to go and not to be scared. All actions are restricted in the ICU. And visitors were given less than 10 minutes to be there.

18th July 2006
He past away at 10a.m. after his mom hugged him. He responded with some movement. His heart stopped by itself. I'm glad its over for him. He wouldn't have to suffer anymore. I couldn't really take his death. It was too soon. He was only 15. He wanted me to take him out with all the other friends for an outing after PMR. I already agreed with him but now I couldn't even carry out that promise. I wished I had scolded him less when he complaint of having stomach pain.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Service with NO smile?

Doctors should be compassionate, giving a service with a smile, encouraging and portray other positive attitudes to patients and also their family members. I was around when the doctor came over to explain Shazmil's report. His mom wanted me to be there to try to understand what the doc had to say.

This is the first time the family encountered this disease, cancer. It's also my first time to give my support and prayer to a person with cancer. When he found out about it, he's already in the last stage. The doctor was saying how bad his situation is. He's in level 4, stage 4 of his disease. Come on, his mom can't understand what the heck the level and stage explained. His mom asked the doc and I asked the doc too, what do all those mean. My heart nearly jumped out from my chest when Dr. Leong from LWEH screamed at us. He said we should already know what's that. Hey! I thought level and stage for computer games!! He was so rude. He haven't finish screaming when I actually asked what's the rate of his survival. Farking idiot!! I really cannot understand what he was saying.... shouldn't we ask to be in a clearer position? Dr. Leong was even using all the medical terms. HEllo!!! If I know that I would have treated him myself. Don't even have to spend so much for the hospital bill. Instead of pronouncing the word 'Plutonium' he kept on saying 'Platinum'. Am I stupid or he's trying to make us feel stupid, useless and helpless? He was complaining that it was already 11.30pm and he haven't take his dinner and he shouldn't bother explaining to us further. Damn you! If you want to complain about not having your dinner, don't take it on us. You're the one who chose to be a surgeon!! Don't be one if you cannot handle it!

He told us that he'll be discharged and sent to General Hospital for chemo. The procedure in General Hospital is if you're from another hospital, you should be sent by the ambulance only then they will entertain you. LWEH knew that very well! But LWEH discharged him and asked his mother to bring him there herself. When both of them reached the hospital, GH has no idea what was going on. SO they rejected him and asked him to come back on Monday. This happened on Friday. Dr. Leong did not inform the hospital that LWEH will be sending a patient over and Dr. Leong's letter was addressed to the wrong doctor! Cut the red tape!

On Saturday I visited him at home. Asked him to go to hospital but he pula refused. Make an agreement to him, if fever shot up will asked the mom to call ambulance so that GH will take his case seriously. He agreed and I'm happy I put some senses into him.

Sunday evening. His mom called. He was admitted into GH at 3.40am. Very high fever. Inflammation of the lungs I guess... coz after when GH gave him his oxygen supply, his fever went down. I really cry my heart out to see him bearing so much pain even with just a simple breath. I don't mind bearing half the pain for him but there's no way I can do that. Lord, give him all the strength to pull through no matter how small the % of survival is. When all drugs do not function to cure his lungs, only God can perform miracle. God heals. Amen.

I'm very depressed to see one fighting for his dear life and another person whom I don't know is trying her utmost best to commit suicide. Lord, why not just make that person who's trying so hard to die to take Shazmil's place? I don't think she mind swapping coz she's so eager to die. This is really the prayer that I make. Swap their places!!!!!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Not Any Better

He's deteriorating very fast. I was there around midnight hoping to see him sleeping peacefully. That wasn't the case then. He was vomitting his dinner. But after that he finds relieve of doing so... if not it'll be stuck in his stomach and he won't feel comfortable. He's fighting back his life. I pray that God will give all the energy and strength to fight and continue to live. Let him be a survivor eventhough he's in the last stage of cancer.

I don't mind losing students.. like they stop because of various reasons... but losing him this way... I can't seem to come to terms yet. There're just so many questions but nobody has the answers.

Monday, July 03, 2006

He Is Only A Boy....

I have been hearing him telling me about having stomach pain due to gastric. I never believed him as students who are lazy will always give excuses not to come for tuition. They can tell the cock and bull story about having buttache, stomachache, headache, sore eye, dizzy, fever and lots more. He has been telling me about it since last year but I brushed it off. I don't believe that every single week he'll be having stomachache.

There was once he told me how much he hated his mother because she divorced and married for the second time. I didn't know that was the most bitter episode in his life. His hatred turned into something destructive. Internally he's destroying himself without realizing it. He's just a boy who doesn't know how to vent out his frustration.

This year when he started telling me he's coughing out lumps of blood I had to call his mother to bring him to the hospital. He's one person who will tell me things which he's not happy about. Most of my students will tell me what they do not want their parents to know. I have lower down my level to relate to them. Basically I do that because I feel that it's better for them to talk to me than to talk to their peers who might give them the wrong information.

Last Tuesday, he went for a scope test to check whether he has any ulcer in the stomach. The test showed negative. But there was something wrong when the doctor touched the abdomen. Because General Hospital has a list of patients waiting to do CAT Scan, his mother took the effort to send him to Lam Wah Ee Hospital. The next day, he was admitted. I didn't know what happen coz' his younger brother told me that he had a growth in his stomach. Therefore, he needs to be operated immediately.

He was being operated on Thursday night, but he was only conscious on Saturday night. I went to see him. It really broke my heart to see such a lively, talkative and active boy lying on the hospital rendered helpless. He can't even move an inch of his body. His family members were not there so I asked the staff nurse about his condition. The nurse repeatly told me that she's not in the position to tell me anything. If it's only a growth then why can't I know? He told me he's in so much pain so I couldn't talk to him much. The clipboard with his details were on the table. I took a glance and saw something... he's given morphine. The strongest and the purest drug as painkiller. I called the mother at that moment. She asked me to go over to her place to explain things.

I can't stop crying when I hear it. I prayed to him in Jesus' name that he will be healed but it will take a very long journey. He's had prostate cancer where the surgeons have already removed whatever that was necessary. Because he kept it to himself for so long, the cancerous cells have spread into all the internal organs. His stomach has been destroyed... he can't take proper meals without feeling any pain, his lungs are badly affected. He's being quite breathless. His heart is the only organ left which is not attacked. I know it's within my power to do anything except to pray for him.

Janice and Karen, thanks for praying for him. He survived the critical night. Now I realized how powerful is this statement, "Let go and let God." I have to tell the mother how much hatred he has in his system. That night, I went with his mother again. His mother explained things to him and asked for his forgiveness. In order for his body to fight back the cancer, he has to let go of the unforgiving episode in his life. I really pray that he'll let go and he'll find the strength to fight it back.

For those who actually read my blog, please pray for him. His name is Mohd. Shazmil. Regardless of religion, please pray for him. He knows that I'm getting Christians to pray for him. To me there's only ONE GOD in this world. So, pray in whatever way you want. I just want him to keep on living. He's a good boy. Eventhough he lives in a lousy neighbourhood, he's not even involve in gangsterism. He's not even rough. He's nice with everybody.

God knows the best for him. If he has to go, I'll have to slowly absorb it into my system. He's in pain all the time. On Sunday, when I visited him, he's quite cheerful but after speaking to me for less than 5 words, he became breathless again. He's still smiling and I'm very happy to see that. At least there's some glow in his face. I'll never give up praying for him.