I've put much thought into it. I have to admit that I'm a back-sliding Christian now. That's why I needed that spiritual health check. My prayers have never been left unanswered. Now that it went unanswered, I stubbornly blamed God for not listening. In actual fact, I am the one without the listening ears and the listening heart. I'm not even in-sync with God anymore. He said left, I said right. He said go, I said no. I don't hear what people around me have been telling me. I chose not to hear. I shut myself down completely. I would rather follow my heart and get myself burnt completely and now, I'm reduced to dust. Serve me right, I know that's what you'll say. Yeah, I deserve it. I don't deny that.
I've never consider how much I've hurt the person who truly love me for who I am. Who's so ever-willing to follow my whims and fancies. A person who will give up anything and everything just to make sure that I'm happy, yet I'm never contented with what I have. "A bird in the hand is worth a thousand in the bush." When am I going to learn that? I'm just being plain ignorant. I'm heartless. So, what I'm going through now is the reflection of what I did and it's hitting hard on me. Yet, I still find it very hard to learn.
You... you know who you are...have even classify me as the dumbest of the dumbest friend. I'm truly honoured to know that at least I have an important place in your life. *Note: I'm not being sarcastic* I'm just being brainless in this area. I'm still checking myself and in conclusion, I find that I don't deserve to have anyone. I'm trying very hard to stay put yet, I'm always running away. I don't even know what I'm running from. I've come to this point where I truly and really hate me for being me. I'm not even happy with what I have. I don't even care how much I earn. I don't want any of it. Do you know how much I hate my life? I wanted to turn the clock... I really want to turn the clock. I've chosen the road less travelled and I can't seem to find a way out. Isn't there suppose to be light at the end of the dark road?
Having you...*I think you can figure out this paragraph is for you*... as a friend is an honour to me. My mistake to start at the wrong foot. I cannot continue with this friendship as I'm not in the right path. I'm at the wrong side and there's no U-turn. To make the wrong right again, as you've said it's my choice, thus I chose to end it. Yeah, it hurts more than anything but don't you think it's the best way to get out of this situation where I'm so trapped? I'm struggling to get out of it. I'm happy when we talk nicely but eventually we'll still quarrel over stuff that don't even exist. I'm sick and tired of myself. It's just a waste of your time talking to me. There's so much more that you can do with the time spent with me. It might be the biggest mistake, but I have to bear the consequences. I've no regrets knowing you and I believe there's a reason behind everything that has happened. It's not by chance that we know each other. I've learnt so much about myself from you. You're like a mirror to my soul. I hate what I see in me. I hate it so much until it's beyond comprehension. I'm not a great person. Through you, I've seen the ugly side of myself. I only want to see you in person and that will be the closing of us. I do not want this chapter to continue unless I can find a way to turn back all the wrong things that I've said to you. I know I may sound selfish, not asking you about how you'll feel if we end this friendship, just take it as you're doing me a favour before I sink much deeper until I can't find a way out for fresh air. Trust me, you won't feel any difference whether I'm around in your life or not. I bulldozed into your life, now I'm just walking out silently.
To you... I know you'll always be there for me. Give me some time to collect the pieces that's left trailing behind. I'll patch things up... but it's gonna take a long time. Bear with me, please. Give me time to deal with myself. No, I won't take that kinda drastic step of committing suicide. I'm not suicidal. I just need time to evaluate myself and try my best to adjust to situation. I've not been fair to you, but I'll try my utmost best. I don't deserve to have you. I simply don't deserve to have anyone. Now, I've seen clearly. I'm selfish and demanding. Give me time to change.