Three days ago, I gave the boy a very simple task. Write a few sentences about a dog in Malay Language. He was able to write down a few sentences but in the process of thinking, he almost yanked his hair out and he was very frustrated. So frustrated that he couldn't spell correctly, couldn't remember any of the words that he had learnt in primary school and couldn't think of anything. The head was empty, void of any vocabularies. Simple words that I have taught him didn't stick at all. After an hour and half of mental torture to him, he made a statement that freeze me in my tracks. I didn't know how to respond to him when he said in a matter of fact way,"I better go and commit suicide." The only thing that I could mutter from my mouth was, "Why?" And he answered in frustration,"I don't know anything. Don't even know a simple word." His mother heard it, standing at the door, saying that he has always been frustrated with himself. Lady, don't you see it? Please help him because I can't help him.
That night itself, I did something very cruel. I washed my hands clean off the boy. I asked hubby to talk to the mother as I refused to speak to her. I didn't have the heart to tell her that she should send her boy to be evaluated by a child specialist or people like Donk Donk who conducts schools for children with learning difficulties. The mother was begging with my hubby to let me teach him but I couldn't, not that I don't want to. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry but after going through a few classes with the boy, I have made up my mind. I don't want a child. I know that if I have a child like him, I will never come to terms with myself and I will be exactly like the mother, pushing the child to excel in studies when he can barely cope with anything at all.
Right now, I have a lot to think about and it's really depressing. I know I sound like a snob but if you were there when you heard the boy loud and clear, that was a cry for help, a cry to be understood, a cry that was brushed under the carpet by his own mother, a cry that would go unheard. Is this how it happens? A teenager commits suicide and the parents deny that the child show any signs of depression or any signals that they need help. I guess some parents practice selective listening. You listen to what pleases you. Again, I'm sorry I couldn't help.