Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I Don't Know What I Am Doing Anymore...

It is suppose to be what it is meant to be, but it's veering towards another area which I don't have the guts to even go near.

Broken families. Dysfunctional families. I used to think I just have to teach and not to be bothered with other stuff. I have my precious whom I've been looking after for 7 years. I'm glad she obeys me and she has shown me great respect even though I'm not her biological mother and I love her like my own. I have another two which I have difficulties communicating with as I'm too fierce most of the time. I tried to mellow down.

This time round it's a massive one. I put out that shoutout for prayers and I would like to thank those who responded to it. At that point of time, I can only cry out to God as no words were able to form in any way. I don't know how to pray for her. She's only 13 and she did what I thought she would only do when she's 17 or 18. What I said proved to be true when she didn't return home that night.

How much anguish she has caused everyone. I feared for the worst as nobody knew whether she's dead or alive. The next day was spent searching for her and filing a missing person's report at the police station. She has no idea how much heartache she has caused everyone.

They want new clothes I gave them. They want to have good food, I gave them. They want to have an enjoyable time watching movies, going shopping, just trot around places with me, I spent my time doing so. How much more can I give?

I'm starting to think whether I'm operating tuition centres or a shelter for displaced teenagers or just a place for them to release tension and let them enjoy themselves while studying.

I'm glad that they've come to know the Lord. God's Word is sharper than any double-edged sword.

I wanted to be different and now it turns out totally different from any other things that I know of. God... help me... I'm lost. I can't take care of so many of them especially the rebellious one. With my temper so bad, I might tear her apart one day with my bare hands...

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