Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Life Without A Father's Love

I have always dream of having a close-knit family. It's just a simple dream... so simple. Don't have to be rich, just enough to eat, enough to wear, has a roof over the head but with lots of warmth and love. That dream is still a dream and will remain a sweet dream till the day I breathe my last.

If my memory is not failing me, I still have snippets of my childhood years. I remember a shouting match between big ma, mama and maternal grandma. How old was I? Three? Then I remember going to babysitters place. I don't like that old lady who beat me and made me cried for hours and hours. I didn't turn green or purple, did I? I just wanted to go home and stayed in my bed. There were lots of unhappy events....

Dad and big ma came to visit weekly, or was it monthly, then anually? Then no more visits! I jumped for joy. To console myself, I always tell myself, life without a father is a happy one. When dad was around, nothing can made my mouth open. I just kept quiet and hid in any corner that I can find. Imagine I dared not even wake up. I tried to sleep until noon even though I was wide awake. I was afraid of him. When I saw my friends holding their dads' hands in school, I was jealous. Has he ever hugged me and tell me that he loves me and I'm special before his eyes? I've never even hold his hands just to cross the road. I'm the youngest but I've never felt his love. Shouldn't the youngest be pampered? Does he care if I live or die? He has never pay for anything-for food, for clothes and for education. There was once, he brought my cousin and I to the shopping complex. MY FATHER BOUGHT TOYS FOR HIM AND NOT FOR ME!! If I'm big enough, I would have strangled my cousin. I sulked all the way from the top level, to the counter, to the car and back home. I wanted to kill him - both of them in fact. That broke the camel's back... I made my own conclusion - Dad has never love me. Some how or other, there are other people who pampered me as I grow up. I have always been my big ma's favourite, my grandma's favourite and my teacherssss favourite pet. The art of tugging at people's heart.

I wanted to be a lawyer to sue him for negligence. That was in my primary years. I wanted to sue him till he went bankrupt with only the clothes on his back. Then, it changed. I wanted to be an accountant and count all the money in the world. I do not want to be poor. I do not want to have the feeling of not having enough. I do not like that feeling and I do not want my life that way. Being an introvert, I found my voice as I grew up. The power of the lashing tongue. I found courage to strike back. Whenever I have the chance, I tear my own father down. Along the road, I never realized that I tore many people down with my lashing tongue. I was a bitter person and I contaminated many people. I tore dad down once in front of his friends and relatives. I was proud of what I did. At that point of time, God was no where near me. I back-slided. I did not believe that there's a God. If there is one, where is He when I needed Him? I threw God out of my life... but I never realized that He was so patient and He waited on me.

Dad was a bankrupt... but I did not sue him. I made a vow to myself. I will earn whatever money that I can grab hold of. I will not depend on anyone. I earned a lot within a couple of years... and pride before a downfall... almost turned into a bankrupt myself... It dawned upon me that I need God.. started picking up and started from scratch.

God made me who I am today. Forgave my dad a couple of years back. Nothing is too late. Nothing is impossible. But it's difficult to strike a topic to talk to him about no matter how talkative I am. Still like a stranger to me. Realized that dad knows me better than I know myself.
Money is another issue. I'm adamant that it will be a separate entity. I will NEVER lift my finger to support him. Whether it's my dad or my husband in future, money will always be a separate entity.
I still need guidance. I need to change the way I think and the way I do things. Still learning and growing...

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