Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Struggling and Wrestling With God...

I can be a very spontaneous person at times. The trip to Ipoh was never in my holiday plan but I decided to go with just one phone call. Thanks for taking me in Pastor Hugh and Aunt Lai Yee. It was a great trip for me spiritually even though that wasn't my main reason of going there.
This time round, I remembered to pack something important to get a good nite's sleep... heehehe
Nice garden... I have the whole house's decorations in the camera... will put it up later...
There's something which I would like to share. This post is not to strike anyone down but if you feel like I'm pointing a finger at you, then you're free to feel that way... proves that you're guilty as found... as guilty as I am...

I've struggled with God for uncountable times this year itself. I even screamed at Him for choosing me to do something which I do not want to. I only want to find my way out of it but no matter how I fought with Him, I can't find a way out. I'm always crawling back to that man whom I love and hate at the same time. It's one shitty emotion... loving and hating him at the same time.

Driving back from Ipoh for 142km with an empty tank was the last straw. God, I did really wish that You'll just make the car stop in the middle of nowhere and I'll figure out a way to go home. Either I thumb-lift, walk all the way home or sit by the roadside and laugh and cry my heart out. No, I wasn't afraid at that point of time. I can't even feel my heartbeat. I was busy arguing with God and driving at 110 kmph.

I wasn't deaf. Every week in church, the same message came to me. "Let go and let God. Let His will be done on Earth as it is in heaven. I just have to do what I'm suppose to do." I really pray that this is the last time I'm twisting God's arm. The deal with God was take me home to Penang with that empty tank and I'll stay with him for another year no matter how torturing it is. Just one year... after 365 days we shall see what God says.

Making a deal with God is not good. Telling God, "God, if you ......, then I will...." It won't fit into the big picture. We only see the present but we can't predict the future. People change. Prayer changes things - I know that. I'm struggling and wrestling with God because I can't stand the present. Call me stubborn - I know I am one and I guess you've never met anyone as stubborn as I am.

Reminder: Do not twist God's arm like I do. Kindly do not drive anywhere more than 10km with an empty tank especially on a highway. If you insist on doing what I do, make sure you have the number of AAM or traffic police or tow truck services in your handphone. I have none... If you want to say I'm stupid, then you should know very well... desperate ppl always do stupid things.

No comments: