I've got many posts over the past 3 years. Hardly, you'll see any emotional posts as I'm not an emotional person. But, in this year itself, I bet for those of you who have been following my blog, it might shock you of how many emo posts that I've written. Not to say they were that emo compared to others, but definitely all those made me shed a tear or two. To make me cry, you should be honoured to do that. I hardly cry as most of the time I'll laugh it off and live one day at a time. I don't believe in crying to solve a problem but this year itself, I've shed tears for someone whom I love. Love is one word that is miraculous and .... oh, I don't know how to describe it. I would like to stay away from it but on the other hand, I would like to indulge in one.
If you've checked out the previous post hidden in the archive of February 2009, you'll definitely see the title "Laugh Die Me", about the two very important people in my life, Ellex and James. Then, another time around the month of.... hmmm... let me try to recall, I think in April or maybe in March, in the post "True Friendship", they're still the two people I love most in my life. The two people whom I will always treasure and care for no matter how horrible we quarreled. Do I still have the two of them? I might lose one because of my own action.
I made a mistake. A terrible one. I could not keep my feelings. If you know me well, I'm not one who bottles up everything. I'm impatient. I let everything out. How I feel, how stubborn I am and how nasty I can be when things don't go as I want them to be. That's the most horrible mistake which is irreversible. You've seen enough of teledramas or telenovelas to describe to you that, "Loving a person doesn't mean you have to have him" and "If you love a person, you will want him to be happy". Better said than done. There's this part of me, which sometimes makes me think, am I truly a girl or not? I definitely don't behave like one. Hey, I'm not a lesbian. Just that my behaviour, it's so different from any other girls.
My best friend wouldn't even breathe a word to the guy she loves. I, on the other hand, can be as daring as chasing after him and see him run as fast as lightning, not towards me but away from me. I am upset now of my action. I still believe that prayer changes things and prayer changes situation and prayer changes people. But why am I so hard to change. I seriously feel like a stubborn mule, I don't deny that if you call me a mule. I'm hard-headed, not at times, but all the time. I don't listen to people. I have ears which do not listen and a brain which works in different ways. I have created a world of my own where I'm in control of everything.
No wonder I need to spend so much time on my daily devotion just to pull me back on track. I wonder if I don't have God in my life, what silly things would I have done. Commit suicide? Threaten him by standing at the edge of Penang bridge or jump down from the ferry while he's on it? I shudder at the thought of that. Come to think about it, I wouldn't do anything that will cost my life just because of a guy. I know many of you are reading my blog. Those of you who feel sad on my behalf, don't do anything silly. As this is solely about me, my life and it's my blog. I can't stop you if you reacted in a silly way after reading this. Take it as part and parcel of my life and just enjoy my writing as you rarely get to take a peep into my private life.
There's something I really wish to do. I wish that we've not started on the wrong foot. I wish that we're just friends but I made a mistake by not guarding my emotion and taming my tongue. I hurt the person I love most with my destructive words so now he knows me as a talented person in shooting people down. A lashing tongue is one dangerous weapon which destroy me at the end of it. Thus, I should learn how to tame my tongue as what's written in the book of James. I should say you descibed me well the other night. How I want what I want and how I must have what I want. I am disgusted by my selfish-self.
I shall wait upon the Lord patiently. Praying for patience, I always become impatient. So, I fail. Try again... pick up the pieces. I prayed for a better control over my anger. Well, James... I think God sent you to me to help me control my anger. Again, I fail. Game over.
I should listen to Judith when she asked me to stay away from him as I'll be badly hurt. He's not a good guy..bla..bla..bla... Charissa is not wrong in judging a person. My judgement is never wrong, too but in this case, I'm too stubborn and I love him that's why I deserve to feel this way right now. Ellex is right even though she's the blurrest of all. Hannah, you're so far away, yet you can warn me without knowing anything. God must have sent so many people to speak to me...ggeeezzzz I think I need a donkey to turn its head and speak to me only then I can wake up from my deep slumber in fairyland.
I've lost Judith. I argued with her when she described James in a horrible way. Self-centred? I said he's not. I don't believe all the negative stuff you mentioned bout him, Ju. Now, I know what you mean. He has never consider anyone. It's only for his own convenience. Everything to his own liking. Juju... you're not the only person who dislikes him. I regretted not listening to you. A leopard who will never lose its spot. I did tell him to improve himself but he never did so. He is right in everything. Anything that I tell him is criticism in his eyes. What great wrong have I done to lose such a good friend like you. I almost put my friendship with Ellex and Charissa in jeopardy because of one guy who has never appreciate me for who I am. I thank God our friendship is strong enough to weather through the storm. I did not listen to my own sister as I thought she has no right to stir her finger in my life. I went against my own brother-in-law when he asked me to just leave him and forget about him. God, how many people need to tell me that I should leave him as he doesn't deserve to have me at all.
Directly to you James. Everything's wrong with us, you said. We're never okay. You point your finger at me. My fault? You're at no fault at all? You have mood swings. You don't feel like talking. I have to follow your tango? I can't stand your attitude that's why we always quarrel. You're too selfish to consider anyone's feelings. Even when it's too late, I doubt that you even see it. I don't want to highlight anything to you anymore as you'll just see that it's another round of criticism. Just take it as, "You're always right. I'm always wrong." I couldn't deny that Ellex called me a pighead and an idiot for standing by you for so many months.
Kuong Lim, I know I have done great wrong to you by blasting you off in my previous posts. You're just trying to get me out of the situation but both times I read in between the lines. I know I went overboard by standing beside James and hurling abuses at you. That's how blind I was and I am. I'm sorry... from the bottom of my heart. Thus, I lost a friend like you. Without you, I wouldn't have known another jovial guy, Potato. It's great to know both of you.
I think I've made enough mistakes just because of one guy. I'll take it as life experience. Never go through, never learn. I'm just surprised at how stubborn I am. This post shall remind me of how I seriously need to change myself to be a better person and walk out of a terrible situation -unscatched.